The Subtle Shift Toward Self-awareness.
The first time I received the feedback I didn’t know what to think of it.
I asked for it the way I always did following a podcast interview – “How was the experience for you?” And while the feedback was typically positive, this went to another level.
“WOW, that was amazing. I’ve never experienced an interview like that!”
“Oh, wonderful, what was it specifically that made it such a great experience for you?”
“I don’t even know how to explain it. You somehow made me so comfortable where I felt I could discuss anything… I even learned things about myself in my own answers. I don’t understand how you were able to do that.”
And then came the question from my guest that became the catalyst for where I am today.
“Is this what you do for a living?”
Between the spring of 2020 and summer 2021 I must have been asked this question no less than 20 times.
In my bashful, humble British way (think Hugh Grant in any 90s movie), I would always answer… “No, I don’t podcast for a living, there’s no money in it and I’m not sure I could put my family through that.”
To which folks would say “No, no. I don’t mean that. I mean the quality of your questions and ability to listen, you understand there’s a need for that, right?”
I didn’t know, and no matter how much I received the insight I didn’t do much about it either.
I had the willingness to go and explore more about it at times but remained in my swim coaching career.
If I was ever going to take people up on this encouragement that willingness wasn’t going to be enough. I needed the will.
People’s willingness comes up a lot in my work today, and as I reflect, I’d say this is something I have personally assessed in people all the way back to high school sports.
I recall a young, hotheaded Steve screaming at his teammates on the football (soccer) pitch (field) for a lack of hustle, mainly because where I lacked in talent, I made up for it with effort, and I lacked a lot of talent.
When you think of a person’s willingness, like me, you might think of a person’s energy and the effort they apply toward their work.
You might also fall into the trap of assessing their actions and results as well.
What makes this a trap is something I’ve explored over the past few years in what it means to shift from the willingness to the will. These are two words with two subtle, yet very different meanings.
Willingness – the quality of being happy to do something if it is needed
Will – used to talk about what is going to happen in the future
Simply put, the way to distinguish the difference comes down to one having something that the other often lacks.
A need!
Our human tendency when we express a willingness is that we are awaiting a true “need” to make it something we will do. But a more direct and honest way of putting it; we are protecting ourselves from the accountability to follow through.
I spent close to 2 years considering a decision to leave swim coaching and start, well, something else that was yet to be determined.
I had a willingness to learn about what I could do instead, but I did not have a need, and without a need, I knew I could never say with clarity “I will”.
This idea of protecting oneself may seem subtle, you may argue I’m reaching for an insight that isn’t there, but it’s a distinction that changed everything for me.
I have done a lot of work around the idea of protecting myself (enter my therapist) when it came to my swim coaching career and the safety and comfort it provided me.
I was good at it, great in fact, and I was having some of the greatest success in my swim coaching career in those final years. But it never felt like me and I felt truly drawn to considering what this other career could be.
I never said “I will start my business” until life hit me over the head with a true need to do so. Suddenly, the will took over, I took action, and the accountability to deliver was formed.
Going through this evolution with my career has not resolved my occasional reluctance to step into a “will” where there is a feeling of willingness, neither has studying concepts around this or the work I do with my clients.
I remain guilty of protecting myself from follow through on a weekly basis, and maybe you do too. But knowing this has allowed for a greater self-awareness which is the true reward.
I never want to be the guy who talks a big game or signs up for something with one foot in and one out.
The beauty of this work – for me, at least – is when I say “I will” you get the result of someone who has worked through a process to know what it means to say that.
You get all of me, limited soccer talent and all.